Spring is approaching. It’s becoming time to birth a new. I feel the seeds germinating inside me. The light of clarity is beginning to break through the darkness. Dawn is on it’s way.
Since autumn, the darkness fell on my life as much as it did the earth. I spent summer manifesting and enjoying the fruits of projects, everything was going right. My spiritual work was soaring. I felt so much in flow that it seemed I could ride that wave all the way thorough winter. Winter had other plans. My personal life became challenging. My physical health deteriorated. My spiritual vibration slowed down. As my energy slowed down, I felt unable to work. I felt as though as fast as I achieved wealth, it fell away. Feeling like I needed to get back on the money train, I read books on manifesting money. I went to goal setting work shops. I had energy readings to find out where I was going wrong. I looked at areas of my life that weren’t serving me and I released them. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get back on a good foot. No one I asked had the answer. I guess that rather than having this information handed to me, I needed to learn this lesson on my own.
All winter, I’ve been asking and asking. In true procession with the cycle of life, we are approaching the dawn of spring. As the light trickles back to me, I have found clarity. I recognise now what my guides have been trying to show me. LOVE is the most powerful vibration. Money is not a system that you can trick to manifest more. Money knows love. If your vibration is of love, money flows to assist love. LOVE is the best currency. And what’s amazing about this is that it takes away the need to go all left brain. My life works best when I keep heart centred. I want to keep away from a ‘business’ mindset. I don’t want that. I want pure love hippy vibes and to let the beauty of the universe flow though my soul.
In December, I took a job at a Christmas grotto in the middle of the busiest shopping centre in the south east. Not a great idea for a empathic energy worker! I was wrong to think I could handle that with aura spray and positive visualisation. Working that job knocked me for six. I ended up in bed for 4 weeks with bronchitis and chest infection. I had to take anti-biotics and my vibration slowed to a crawl. I was at the peak of my highest vibration and I fell from grace for the age old reason, ego. Not ego in the sense of narcissism or arrogance but an ego centred desire to be accepted and validated. I needed money to go on holiday. I thought that by earning a chunk of money, I would be more valuable and worthy. I thought that by taking money from loved ones, I was underachieving. Although these traits are humble, they aren’t love energy. They are, in fact, lack energy. It’s easy to fall out of a high vibration when you march to the tune of proving yourself. After all, high vibration is not righteousness, it’s light energy.
In Jan and Feb this year, I hadn’t realised what I realised today. Although the Christmas job was over, I was in pursuit of re-shaping my self-employment. I was focused on helping others and I knew that my specialist areas were hairdressing and ‘mindfulness’. I had been building an online presence to teach hairdressers how to reduce stress. I had been market researching this for years and know that there is a need for this kind of teaching. I overcame my own fears about reaching out to people, put valuable content up online and spent too much time on social media getting the ball rolling. I put in a ton of effort and in the end, it’s not working out. You know why? The energy I’ve been putting in is ‘prove myself’ energy, not ‘I’m enough’ energy. A lot of people resented me for winding down my regular hairdressing practice. I didn’t want to be part of that energy any more, where I make money from ‘fixing’ women’s appearance. I wanted to be part of the solution and only practice hair as a holistic service. I also wanted to educate other stylists about working holistically and that was part of my vision for stylist support. The trouble is, after interacting with hairdressers in the ‘I can fix your problems’ space, I slipped right back into the energy that I was trying to escape from hair perfection. ‘Prove myself’ energy. ‘Sell my soul’ energy. ‘People pleasing’ energy. Sometimes we think we are doing acts of kindness for others but, we are subconsciously trying to validate ourselves.
I still want to remain in the field of spreading my philosophy about hair, but I want to do it from a heart centred place. I want to do it from authenticity. I want to speak my truth. I can’t do that by building a brand and playing to the ego’s of industry professionals. I need to do it by connecting with other people on a similar wave length and forming our own space within hairdressing. I learned from interviewing other hairdressers for stylist support that the ones working on the front line, namely B and Mandy are the people who are helping humanity the most. I interviewed an industry famous person who seemed to have the interest of others at heart but, on reflection, she is trying to validate herself as she has a million shadows of her own. A leader leading from the shadows isn’t going to lead any one to the light. If you understand duality, you will understand what I mean. Was I attempting to be a leader? I hope not. I do feel the pull of wanting to lead others and that is my shadow talking. ‘If people follow me, I must be worthy!’ Aside from that ego talking, I’d rather not lead at all. I’d rather sit in my heart space and be love. I’d rather trust that that is what the world needs more of any let little ripples radiate out across the universe. I don’t want to indulge the shadow of my ego and I want to stay with this wisdom for ever. I don’t want to repeat these mistakes again. I have nothing to prove. I am enough. I am love. I can create from my heart. I can’t create, nor will I attempt to create from my shadow. I am always enough.